Friendships are precious, offering a safe space that provides companionship, emotional support, and a sense of belonging. But it is also important to note that your closest friends may not always be available.
Often, many take this absence personally, but boundaries are essential in friendships as well. Emotional boundaries are most commonly discussed in the context of romantic relationships; they are equally important for maintaining healthy and sustainable friendships.
Let’s hear from psychotherapist Dr Chandni Tugnait, founder and director of Gateway of Healing, who explains why boundaries should not be mistaken for rejection and how friends can work through differences in their emotional needs.
Why do friendships need space?
Dr Tugnait believed that the healthiest friendships are not necessarily the ones where you are available for each other all the time. In fact, she challenged the mainstream notion of friendship, in which friends are always available, always ready to talk, and able to show up at short notice. You may see such portrayals in the media, but reality is much more grounded.
What constitutes a healthy friendship? “The healthiest friendships aren’t necessarily the most available ones. They’re the ones where both people feel free to have full, separate lives without it being called selfish or uncaring. A friend who needs space to manage their own life isn’t being distant, but they’re just being human.”
This means a friend’s temporary need for space should not automatically be interpreted as withdrawal or indifference. Respecting time, boundaries, and emotional capacity. Empathy also ensures you don’t harbour any resentment. You don’t need to be attached at the hips always to care for each other.
Why are boundaries not rejection?
Let’s address the elephant in the room: when a friend does not give you enough time, it can feel like rejection. Suppose your friend cuts a phone call short or says they cannot talk at the moment. You do not necessarily need to hold a grudge against them. The psychotherapist also emphasised the importance of respecting a friend’s need for space.
“When a close friend says they need a few days to themselves, or that they can’t talk right now, the instinct for some people is to take it personally,” she said. “But a friend setting a limit on their availability is doing something healthy, both for themselves and for the friendship. It means they’re being honest rather than showing up depleted and resentful, which is actually far more damaging to a relationship over time.”
Why does availability not always mean care?
The expert then helped decode that even if a friend is quick to respond to calls and messages, their response time is by no means a measure of the value or depth of the friendship. Frequent communication may feel reassuring; it is not necessarily the same as genuine emotional presence.
The expert then helped decode that even if a friend is quick to respond to calls and messages, their response time is by no means a measure of the value or depth of the friendship. Frequent communication may feel reassuring; it is not necessarily the same as genuine emotional presence.
“What actually means care in a friendship is consistency, honesty, and showing up when it genuinely matters, not response time,” Dr Chadni
What should you do if your needs don’t match?
Some have different communication expectations. Some crave more contact. You may prefer more frequent calls and daily updates; others may feel comfortable speaking less. These differences cause friction, leading to misunderstandings, resentments, and feelings of neglect.
The therapist added, “Sometimes one person in a friendship needs more contact than the other naturally gives, and that gap can create real tension. The answer isn’t to demand more or silently withdraw. It’s to have an honest conversation about what each person needs and what they’re realistically able to offer. Most friendships can accommodate differences when it’s spoken about directly rather than assumed or resented.”
