To what extent would you go to find a partner?
Some are going under the knife, and I was recently alarmed to see mention of such a choice, almost in the form of a recommendation, in a recently released film.
I watched the romcom-drama Materialists on Netflix last week, expecting a couple of hours of light entertainment. Written and directed by Celine Song, director of the beautifully layered Past Lives (2023), Materialists stars Dakota Johnson as the aspiring-actress-turned-matchmaker Lucy Mason, and Pedro Pascal as Harry Castillo, the very wealthy man who begins to think Lucy would make a good match for him.
Set in New York City, it is meant to offer a peek into how differently the dating world works, among the truly elite. Here, money represents a means to good looks, inner circles and meetups where the primary filters are appearance and net worth.
In order to give himself something of a leg-up in this world, Castillo undergoes a $200,000 procedure to add six inches to his 5 ft 6 inch frame. In the film, he speaks of what a difference this has made to his dating and professional lives.
Aside from how surprisingly dull the film itself was, it troubled me to see people as widely admired as Song and Pascal send out this message: that finding love can hinge not on who we are or the work we do on ourselves, but the work we have done on our bodies?
Of course, the world of romance isn’t egalitarian or fair. The better-looking have an automatic advantage. But have we capitulated so completely to our arbitrary beauty standards that even our fairy tales must involve major surgery?
In addition to the fact that this is not a good way to shore up one’s sense of self-worth, I would like to offer a vital reminder: it doesn’t even work.
For years now, I have had clients tell me about procedures they underwent, or plan to undergo, in order to “improve” their looks and thereby boost their chances of finding love. The most common are a nose job, breast enhancement and lip fillers, but there have also been expensive and invasive dermatological treatments (often with an eye on fairer skin).
What strikes me as particularly painful in such conversations is that it rarely stops at one procedure. When the first doesn’t “work”, they try another. Some have eventually run out of money or things to “fix” and come to me asking why they’re still not attracting the right people.
Now, does appearance matter when one meets a potential partner for the first time? Of course it does. Should one attempt to make a good first impression? Certainly.
I believe this includes being well-groomed, well-dressed and wearing make-up if it helps boost one’s mood. Should it include scheduling major and potentially hazardous surgery? I believe the answer to that must always be no.
The truth is that we connect with one another on many different levels. Looks is only one of these. We respond far more strongly to personality, confidence, intelligence, humour, kindness and good nature.
When people say: “The first thing that attracted me were her eyes” or “The first thing I noticed was his smile”, they aren’t referring only to the colour of the irises or the symmetry of the face. They are thinking of how the smile made them feel and what the eyes revealed about the person they had just met.
I like to ask clients to think of this another way too.
Ask anyone who has been in a relationship more than a year what they find most endearing about their partner, and it isn’t going to be their perfect score on age, height and weight. It is often the personal quirks: how they sing off-key or can’t pass a puppy without saying hello. Sometimes, it’s the very things the other person dislikes about their own appearance: their wavy hair or inability to reach the higher shelves in the kitchen.
We embrace a partner’s vulnerabilities because it is one way to love them. But we also embrace these vulnerabilities because they are part of this person we love.
The list of things we love about them will change too, because we are all changing, aging, struggling and growing. No one who possesses a perfect score is going to have it for very long.
So, forget about the measurements. Focus on how a potential partner treats you, and makes you feel. And treat yourself with the same consideration.
Don’t inflict on yourself the kind of judgement and contempt you would never unleash on another person.
